Me
thoughts
December 20th, 2009
Kuwait
Maybe it'll make more sense on paper

Where to start?  Happiness seems to elude me.  Success doesn't, at least the image of success doesn't.  I make good money, I have a stable job.  But at what cost?  I spend about half (maybe more) of my time away from my parents.  Here I am almost 30 years old and I still have a strong desire to be closer to my family.  I don't know why, I just know that I miss home and just about everything that comes along with it.  I have many failed relationships under my belt and I feel like my travels/work aren't helping me to be around someone long enough to establish anything solid with anyone.  I'm not in church and know that I should be, but when would I have time for that when I work from midnight to noon 7 days per week?  I suppose one could say that I make time to go to the gym, but the difference there is that I go to the gym at 4am.  This time of day is when my work is usually the slowest, whereas church is near 10 or 11am, which is "prime time" so to speak, for my shift.  I can't really get away with being anywhere other than work at that time of day.

What else...I feel anxious a lot.  It's pretty common that I don't go to sleep when I should because my mind is all over the place.  I wonder if I would benefit from a (legal) drug of some sort that would help me relax.  I think part of my anxiety stems from sitting at a desk most of the day for work.  I'm not itching to dig ditches by any stretch of the imagination because that's HARD work, but for whatever reason I feel like there's some other job that I'm supposed to be doing.  What I'd like is that it be closer to my parents, although I don't really know what else I'm any good at.  Honestly I'm only pretty good at this because I've been doing it for so long and I'm naturally smarter than the average person, so it seems.  I know that sounds conceited but I surely don't mean it that way.  I just mean that most things just seem to come easier for me than for other people.  It sounds as though I just need a challenge to shake things up a bit, but I don't follow that because there are plenty of opportunities for me to challenge myself and I choose to not put in the effort.  I guess it's clear by now that I'm just not that satisfied with my job...I just wish I understood why.  I'm bored with it, just like I was bored with college after a year.

The simple solution to my geographic dilemma seems on the surface to be easily solved by getting a job in Huntsville.  Historically though, not only have the jobs themselves been tough to come by, but they don't pay jack squat.  Of course I also wonder if money has much to do with happiness because I'm pretty sure that I'm in the top 10 earners of my graduating class and here I am writing this note about how happiness seems to elude me.  Strange.

At this point the logical conclusion is that more money doesn't necessarily equal happiness.  I do know that with more money that more activities/things come easier, but does that bring about real happiness?  It doesn't seem to for me.  So either I'm doing it wrong, or...I'm doing it wrong.  Shrug...

Sometimes, all you can do it laugh at life.  Just now, I tried to access a book online only to find that the website was down for maintenance.  A week or so ago it seemed that someone had deleted me from their FaceBook friends, but it wasn't until today that I discovered who it was.  This person less than a week before deleting me, had said that I was very inspirational and that they'd be e-mailing me anytime they had a motivational issue when it came to working out and eating better...maybe they had a change of heart.

I started to get upset about these things, but what purpose would it serve?  People are free to do whatever they feel and although I would have liked an explanation on why they didn't want to be my friend anymore, I don't really need it.  I'd like to think that if I had said something to offend this person, that they would have told me, if only to give me an opportunity to defend my statement or apologize for the offense.  But at the end of the day, apparently they had their mind made up, and all I can really do is move on with my life.

I watched "For Love of the Game" today and really, really enjoyed it.  I had seen it before, but it spoke to me a bit this time.  I spend most of my time away from home, doing what I feel that I'm supposed to be doing (my work).  But I'm not super-human, and I would like to find my "Miss Right" and settle down to a little bit more of a normal lifestyle, if the Lord wills it.  Historically I've gone for the wrong ones usually...let's be honest here...they usually came to me and because I was attracted to them, I didn't turn them away.  They're usually hot, pretty book smart, and a few of them had a pretty good grip on common sense too.  But it hasn't worked out yet...I don't think I've found the right girl for me.  My female friends say that they can't make sense of me being single.  I really don't know how to explain it, other than to say that I don't think I've found her yet.  The selfish part of me hopes that I do...the responsible side of me only wants it if it's His will for my life.  Ahhhhhhhh..........

made its presence known in me this morning.  It wasn't a direct result of anything that I can put my finger on...but a combination of many.  On my way to work, I heard Yolanda Adams (?) on the radio talking about how a man should have God in his life first and foremost.  It was relaxing, comforting, reassuring even; to know that there's a woman on the planet that seems to have her life together and didn't have to bash men or God in the process of achieving "success" in the eyes of the majority.

I don't think cynical is the right word to describe my overall disgust with the opposite sex at the moment, but I'm not sure which word would be a better descriptor either.  It seems that within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone they want to know what kind of job you have and what car you drive, and that's just a huge turnoff for me.  My job and vehicle are the envy of many, but that doesn't make me the person I am.  What happens if I lose my job and wreck my truck?  What's going to keep you around?

My hope, and hope doesn't really describe the depth of this feeling I have, is that there are some women who want "security" (like every other woman), but understands that material things won't get her there.  She looks for this security INSIDE the man she chooses to spend time with.  No, I'm not an ugly guy...I get hit on quite often, so this isn't me being an ugly duck and wishing someone could see past my flaws.  I have flaws just like every other underwear model (I'm not one, but it has been recommended to me many times that I should be)...I'm just ready to meet someone that I'm attracted to on all levels because they're mature enough to understand and appreciate the difference in wants vs. needs, and knows where to find them.

My roommate said I'm going to have to date women in their mid-to-late 30's...I'm not closed off to it, I'm just hoping she's wrong since I'm not there yet.